There comes a time in life on the power of the mind I’ve experienced once before many years ago when my wife left me I felt alone and scared in some ways of each turn was it the right one that I was making, it was funny it was the kids that helped with those famous words ( dad I can’t find my shirt, dad when is tea ready, dad can I have some money Lol still famous words today Haha ) it was the simplest of things but it worked I could not do it too the kids, I even had the rope tied and ready with the tree picked out in a nice secluded spot Mmm fine memories.
Today it is different and I know it’s through constant pain never stops, if I sit, stand, walk, drive, get in and out of the car, have a shower, go to the shops, laying on the bed trying to sleep just never stops 7-24 and I have to say very severe pain at that never stops Mmm it’s through many years it will be ok ill get through this, not a problem those catch up with ya were there is no medicine or pain killer, or physiotherapy, massage that works the only thing is left is a major operation, so it’s come down to a full hip replacement Ahah you would fucking think id learn… I got to get out of this man thing it will be ok you will get on top of it… I did it with gore stones carried them for three years where at the point the surgeon said I just broke the record for the most gore stones taken out of a human body and fucking up my intestines, but I must say that pain wasn’t as intense or stoping from doing so much as this one is Mmm what can I say.
I went to see the doctor on Thursday when he looked at the image and took his glasses off slowly and asked me a question and id say for the first time in 20 years he looked concerned, are you ok Paul, mate how are you living, can I ask how are ya getting dressed, walking, etc mmm short stories he has put it down as critical and urgent attention needed to be sent the report into hospital see what happens.
As I explained earler I find it hard to do anything and everything but what is playing on me where I’m finding really hard is the mind. Now I work really hard to handle the pain but it’s constant never stops does no matter what I do or how I sit or lay I stay in my room all day and night just do what I have to do as it is so uncomfortable in going out or trying to do something it’s embarrassing walking as I stop every 10 feet to try another way of getting to that item on the shelf Hahaha my dad walks and moves better than me and his 93 Mmm . At the moment my mind is handling the pain and I’m trying to handle the loneliness of constantly being in the room by myself. a lot of deep thinking. Now that comes down to the system between my Super and Centrelink.
Now I’m trying to get rent assistance to help me out with the rent boy the shit I have to go through and do fuck me any body think I was asking for millions and I do this every day… they work it out where you cant have any savings in your account no assets allowed as in property or stocks nothing at all, well they picked the right guy, I have to get proof that I’m not working earning anything at all I need to get a separation certificate to prove that I have left the company all companies in the last two years, I all so have to show that I have had the Jab or getting it very very soon, all medical test and results sent through I ran out off ink faxing them through, and a medical from the specialest confirming that I’m having a major operation… I need to do particularly the same with the insurance company what a fucking hassle and so many hurdles to jump through just to get some help to get through this.
I find that this is the deepest I’ve been or experienced with the darkness of loneliness and feeling pretty helpless with looking at the pain as a part of my life for a short time to handle it, now my little buddy has not risen to say hello once in nine days but who is counting that’s a worry not that I can do anything, again it is that man thing my favorite little mate is not happy, again i put that down to I’m not in a good headspace at the moment he’s too young for the blue ones far too young Lol…I write to paper as I have no one to talk about this and how I’m feeling can only say so much to my kids in front of them I don’t show the full story they can see I’m struggling and in constant pain, the three or four hours sleep a night is not helping either so I spend a lot of time sitting up or just laying there thank fuck for Netflix… I spend a lot of time saying and constantly making sure that everything is going to be good and every day telling myself that this is for a short time and everything is positive for me in going forward… I got a letter from the company is saying that my position is secure just concentrate on getting back to good health your job is here, that helps a bit… the most important thing for me is looking forward and staying fucking positive every day and knowing this is only a short time of your life… I will be honest if I say I do struggle and find it very hard with so many things especially the long days and nights but I have to stay positive and understand it will turn and just keep fighting the demons make sure the mind is going forward look at the good things in life and it’s hard but try to be happy with every turn in life.
Life was not meant to be easy… but take every challenge and keep your goals and dreams going forward with you at all times, stay positive, as hard as it is smile as you know you will get through this, every day is a good day even though you know it’s a fight but somewhere along the day tell your self this is a good day… I say every morning, another day for me to be a part of.