Been A While…

I say it has been nearly a month since I put my fingers on the computer… it could be I have nothing to say, or I can’t think of anything to say, or I just can’t be fucked… The mind is a very powerful part of the body lets face it the mind controls the body, we have our heart, kidneys, liver, and many other parts that make our bodies work but the most dynamic and influential of the body is the brain which controls our mind on the way we think with the will of thought.

I write a lot about myself I do so as I do talk about life and I feel that one thing I do or say might be the same for one person what there going through or just one line could make them think of an unmistakable situation with there life. I started my new position up in the Pilbara same company different project three weeks ago, I had been home for around 14 weeks before starting I had a health issue, not a dying one which is good but one that can work the mind of thought.

The start of a new day…and a new lifestyle for three years.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to go in some ways as the leg and hip were not 100% but I all so realized that I had to give it a chance just look after myself and nurse the issue. And boy if that was an understatement at that a bundle of work needed (hot & cold bags) needed every night 20 minutes on 20 minutes off swap bags Haha and then slept or tried to in immense pain Lol the things we do.

Now not only have I needed to work on the hip and leg every day and night there was the project in front of me…I don’t know if many have worked in and on a mine site and id say there are a few that have… it is a whole new world of rules, regulations, safety, with a truckload of inductions followed by VOCs…I understand as safety is massive and it should be I’m on a pretty full-on job which can very dangerous if not done probably, even though the leg and hip are fucking me off I’m pretty sure id rather keep them than lose them Hahaha.

Now with this I was walking with a bit of a limp put it this way it was noticed I was then questioned by the superintendent and safety officer are you ok, with a very quick answer all good and explained that I had arthritis and it was noted in my file with my medical. It’s funny how the mind works, my mind apprehend that I had an issue with the body, so I watched how I walked, stepped into the truck, even sitting can be a situation that I have to work on…in saying that the concentration with handling the pain and doing the work correctly with safety was one of interest for me in some ways, with the attitude don’t bring it to work it’s not the crew’s fault so I was happy and being my normal self working with them behind close doors struggling getting very depressed day by day…( as it is said… Mind Over Matter ) Matter was not working Lol…

I lasted twelve days on the thirteenth leg had gone it took me twenty-five minutes to walk three hundred yards to the mess room even had people stopping and asking if I was ok the pain was showing even though I was trying to hide it, you could say I was beaten rang the supervisor explaining could not make it in today the pain was too intense and I didn’t want to put anyone in harms way on the site… struggled back to the room with the thought there goes my position for sure I’m finished which in some ways I could understand it as it’s too dangerous if your not 100% even 90%. Now I must say one of the great things I learnt was the crew were very concerned for me and supportive ring or texting me to see if all was good. When something like this happens your off to see the medic and superintendent as it is called a case which has to be investigated from all angles, now the procedure is as follows… clickety lick drug test, urine sample of to the lab, and breathalyser, followed with a full statement with the medic, supervisor, and superintendent in hand how it happened and what happened is it an occurring situation while on the site.

Now being the person I am I’m honest my kids reckon that I’m too honest that’s why I get into trouble haha… Can I say I was surprised in some ways the superintendent had made it very clear after 2 hours of this that I was to go back to my room it will be organised for water and food to be brought to me and security will check on to make sure you haven’t left the room, that happened all day they booked me a flight for early next day grabbed a locker key and put my gear in there for me the next morning an LV was out the front run me to the airport helped up the stairs and seated Lol how embarrassed was I that’s a fucking understatement if I ever had one. On Wednesday I got a threeway phone call the CEO of MGPL and the Superintendent, they asked if I was ok and what was my procedure with the leg and hip, I had a specialest appointment all ready booked for that day so all go, they explained to me it didn’t matter how long it took or what hat to be done that my job was very secure as they felt I’m a major part of the project so don’t worry just get back to health, if i said that was a relief It certainly was could not thank them enough, as we all know I need to produce a dortors certificate all clear to work Lol another story.

It was good to be home see the kids and the grankids boy did they mis me it made me feel good, went into the speialest on Wednesday, he examined the leg and hip asked me a lot of questions looked at me ( Paul with my 40 years of experience i would say that you will need a full hip replacement ) that was such good news Haha Lol not really but any way… so i have been for a MRI today and exrays, Tuesday a nucler medicine scan on the hip to confirm his appraisal… so I have to work out how I’m going back up North untill this happens and were the money is coming in for the time off the best scenario 6 to 8 weeks worst 12 weeks ill go for the 6 ahah… Now to make me feel better I have had the CEO and the Superintendent ring me to explain how secure my position was and if I need any help just ask… now being the brave boy Im not i didn’t tell them the truth in short words had the injections it’s feeling good Mmm see what happens Lol.

If i was to say that i was deppressed that would be an understatement i know people all over the world have more and bigger problems than me, but this is my problem and which is getting to me a bit ill be honest a lot, so today i thought id go and get a massarge and have a chat to Bella fuck me the deppresion sky rocketed Lol i need to take viraga I’m at that age were the little mate stays limp, all the way home I put down too that my mind is not right i convinced myself thats what it is and she was really good I’m going tomorrow for a free masarge and see if it’s true with the blue tablet coming into life… Haha. Can i say the mind is a very powerfull thing It takes me down now i don’t show it in front of anyone its only when I’m on my own do i really go into the dark place, dont sleep much at all average around 1 to 2 hours sleep a night have done for the last 5 weeks last night slept for 4 the best i have had in a long time, I’m going to have to bite the bullet and go to see a psychiatrist you find when ya been on your own for 23 years and no one to talk about things it makes it really hard as you bottle things up… one thing i have learnt and maybe it’s not the right one but I’m trying really hard to work this one on my own not lowering the flag yet…

Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced.. it is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be cheerful again… i know i will pretty sure thats what Im working for… the absence of hope. That very deadened feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad. Sad hurts but it’s a healthy feeling if that makes sence… It is a necessary thing to fee, Depression is a very different in life one that takes a lot of work with the mind and your inner soul, it wouls have to be one off the biggest things in my life to compete with… and now i got worrie about my little mate to see if he can stand again Lol who said life wasen’t hard Lol.

I really want to talk to someone about my feelings and thoughts but I can’t but for writing it helps express my sadness.


2 responses to “Been A While…”

  1. It’s awesome that you’re sharing this, because you’re making those in the same situation as you feel less alone. I appreciate your candour, as not many people are willing to admit that they’re going through this. Anyway, thanks for this post, and wishing you all the best!

    • Thank u so much Stuart it’s funny I find through writing it helps me get it out there an I hope it helps one person as it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done to try an control my depression
      Thank you again Stuart

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