I haven’t disappeared and still alive Which is good Lol. But the last month it has been a hard one it really has, night shift 14 hour shifts and we’re we are 140 kms from camp in the middle of know we’re I mean in a very secluded area on the new railway Being done, the other part is the darkness just got to watch out for Dingoes in packs and snakes all coming out at night seen a few over the month.
The thing for me is my mental state which I’m working through very hard and I’ll know I’ll get through it just taking a while. I leave camp at 5pm get back at 7am the hardest thing is the loneliness, I’m on my own at the site all night I go back to camp and everyone has gone for day shift, it’s like I’m the only one on site don’t see anybody or anything haha lol.
The part I’m struggling with so much is I have more now than I ever have as in comfort, money, the security of knowing I can live with no worries of the phone ringing owning money, and my kids, grandkids family and friends are all happy an well.
For me it’s the darkness of loneliness and this shift is not helping but I will get through it, I can not explain every day I urge so badly for companionship for when I get home. I don’t show it around people and don’t talk about it, writing a blog is my way of talking about it and trying to figure out of understanding my feelings as a man knowing I don’t want to be on my own anymore 20 years is long enough.
I don’t know if I’m a bad person as I have never done it in my 62 years of life some people would look down at me especially women I know my parents would be unhappy in some way just their thinking as they know me very well, my daughter wouldn’t like it but understands dad we’re he is at the moment.
I see two ladies, there commonly known as Escorts, at different times in my seven days off have been for awhile I’m what you would call a regular client. But it’s not what I expected at all not at all it’s not wham bang thank you mam. Both ladies are beautiful and very intelligent one has a masters degree in bachelor of science and the other has a degree in mathematics so there smart.
I spend a lot of time with both of them through out the night, we go out dining or a coffee, they cook tea for me, what ever way it goes we end up in bed, it’s the laying in each other’s arms talking about life, todays living, society, there dreams, passion and their directions we’re there going in life and mine.
What’s not helping me is the way they treat me with so much respect as I do them and a friendship we are building up, they charge me nothing, both ladies say they love my company my morals and respect I have for them but more than anything they tell me with sincere that I have a beautiful heart with many years of good experience in life and a very passionate man and they would love for me to find companionship as we know this will change soon.We have built up a bond of true friendship, both ladies ring or tex me through my shift a few times a week to see if I’m all good and make a time and if I’d like to meet at a restaurant or coffee bar or cook tea for me.
We’re i’m lost I know if I met a nice lady one day knowing I can offer so much to them with my heart I believe I have so much to offer as a man an i know I’m a good man, but it’s not happening the question is will it happen or am I looking to hard or my expectations are wrong I don’t know I really don’t know but it’s hurting me in so many ways, they say good things come to those who wait Twenty years is longer enough. I all so know that there are people throughout the world doing it a lot harder and suffering a lot more than me, I’m doing ok in life, the thing is I dream a lot of dying on my own and it’s one thing besides growing old on my own that does scare me.
I do look at this as another challenge in life but one that is hurting, and I know that life does go on for the good an bad with more challenges this one is mentally hurting and I know it’s another hurdle to go over, I just would like to stop jumping haha Lol.