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What Is My Story..Who And Where am I..

I ask my self that question for the reason.. i’m so lost.. not in position of work or money been a long time since iv’e had money and banking on a weekly basis.. with that even plan a trip for the my first passport India here i come Lol.

You will be fine.

Feeling unsure and lost is a part of your path.

Don’t avoid it.

See what those feelings are showing you and use it.

Take a deep breath.

You’ll be okay.

Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.

Louis C.K

Now i look in the mirror and ask WHY it’s a simple one question in life and at my age i have asked my self that in so many of my prediction’s of different events that have happened good or bad.

Not until we are lost

Do we begin to understand


Henry DAVID Thoreau

Tonight i looked in that mirror for some time.. on shift i was put in a position that i don’t understand.. WHY Iv’e done no harm to this one fucking evil person what we as humans call a women.

Short story we haven’ got on since day one and if i’m an honest sort of person i don’t get on with every one i meet in life.. now may i say out of 62 people in our company i work with i get on with 61 that’s pretty good odds 99%.

You have to have

Been through it,

In order to understand it.


Iv’e been through it and still are.. but don’t understand it.. WHY because i’m thick or is it because i have been accused of something that has really hurt me in so many ways. I had a Accusation put on me that i did four months plus ago.. A sexual harassment and putting her life in a dangerous position.. Now in life sexual harassment is a very big accusation were i would be 61 and never get another job or something i loved for 50 odd years coach sports.

We had an what i call a disagreement back at lay down so after four months of being pushed by this lady, i took it to the Superviser and we as three when’t into the office and asked the question what is your problem with me and WHY.

Well with that one question the Accusation’s come thick and fast.. my jaw hit the ground quicker than a speeding bullet with a thump may i say. The Superviser was as shocked as me..

One thing in life and i have taught the kids the same i’m fucking honest where it can get me into trouble being to honest.. i never touched that lady or put her life in danger.. after a couple days of investigation i was well and truly cleared through any Accusations put on me.. I’m glad for two reasons .. i never touched that lady and never put her life in danger .. but more than any thing more for me it’s a relief as thats something could truly fuck my life in so many ways.

Don’t try to understand everything.

Sometimes it is not meant to be understood.

Just accepted.

That is how i feel at the moment.. what i cant understand people say to me all the time what a great person i am in so many ways with people and my philosophy with life.. i make people happy and want to be with me.. i had the CEO of one company and my CEO come and tell me on site all is good Paul and your not going any where for a long long time and tell me what a great person i am, to have on site and at the camp. That makes me feel really good and like today i went down to say hello to the AFL football development program i started 3 years ago the kids, parents, coaches and committee were so glad to seem me.. it again the feeling of a good person went through my heart..

That feeling when you don’t even know

What the fuck you’re feeling.


I’m going through depression and know it’s happening as iv’e been there before a few times.. i fight it and understand what i need to do to come through at the other end.. this one is a bit different in so many ways.

Sometimes the worst place

You can be is in your own



We all look for something in life when we are down.. for me it’s a lady and a table.. i’m a lone in so many ways with my heart, soul, and mind but what i cant understand is how people are so happy to see me and be with me.. and yet i cant find love.. they believe if you are looking to hard it wont happen.. i’m not going any were or out thats a problem on it’s own.. but i do what i have to do and certainly put myself out there to help people in life.

The lady and a table is a beautiful lady called Lisa that gives me a full body massage with what turned out an hour is now 90 minutes she loves my company and loves my genuine heart as a person as she told me today with a smile that you could see it come from her heart with that quote.. it’s funny i can’t seem to talk to ladies that iv’e never met before.. but i can strip very comfortable with Lisa.. she never charges me were i don’t feel right as it’s her way of living so i give her a hundred dollars she is not happy to accept it.. the other thing our conversations are very short in that time we only have short conversations.. i know i just said that but not much is said.. but we both seem to be in a good space with each other at the time.

Depression is a feeling like you’ve lost something.

But have no clue when or where you last had it.

Then you realize what you lost is yourself.

I go there once a fortnight to have a deep tissue massage .. and for that one hour i enjoy the company of Lisa.. but i know i’m going down with this i feel it in myself.. one thing i have learned through the experience of life and being in depression before i don’t show it at work or around my kids, family or friends. I have no one to talk to it about besides the computer and people through out the world that don’t know me or really give a toot.. but i know it’s my way of talking about Lifeat61 and what different people of different nationality’s through out the world are going through as i write this blog.. we all have different way’s of handling depression and difficulties of life.

Im not sure if i’m depressed i mean, i’m not exactly happy either in my heart, mind and soul.

I can laugh, joke and smile during the day being with workers, family and friends.

I don’t talk to any one about it.

But sometimes when i’m a lone at night i forget how to feel.

I like being on my own, but don’t like being on my own.

I have that feeling when you’re not necessarily sad, but i just feel really empty.

The feeling that life is good.. and life is cruel.

I lost myself when i pleased every one.

Now i’m loosing everyone else trying to find myself.


I have learned so many things over 61 years of life and again i’m going to put all that experience as one to pull myself out of this one.. it’s going to be hard work and at the end of this i’m going to be a better person for me, myself and I.

Don’t get lost in the emptiness.

Find your way back !

If you read this blog i know through experience with depression it’s a long fight but you as a person get better as you learn to understand and control your emotions, i do believe it helps if you have someone to talk too or if you cant like i’m in that position as i can say only so much with my kids and family Lol.. Hang in there’s the flow with your emotions don’t do any thing stupid and as i’m doing learning to understand and love me for who i am that will help me in so many ways with life.

Who i am and where i am will be understood more for me, myself and I.


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